A few weeks ago I stood with my hands gripping either side of my kitchen island as I sobbed. One of those ugly cries where your mouth hangs open without sound as your body shakes. It was 7pm on a week night and my family was scattered throughout the house going about their comfortable nightly routines, the boy’s playing, one on the floor with cars and the other fixated on the iPad, Jillian upstairs in her room engrossed in Lego tinkering and Ike researching something on the computer as he listened to music that echoed around me. And there I stood in a brightly lit kitchen and I was reeling over the uncertainty of Mark’s future and what it will look like when I’m gone from this earth.

That morning I had met with my retirement rep. I was supposed to come to the meeting prepared with my other investments, savings account information, assets, etc. As I entered the room empty handed it was as if I had entered a confessional. Sheepishly I explained that I had virtually no savings because our sons medical bills and cost of care had made that impossible. And with that, my story came tumbling out. The diagnosis, the level of care required and the reality that he will likely live with us until we are no longer here. As we talked, I realized that in just over eleven years he would be legally an adult, but I knew, developmentally more likely a child. Eleven years. Nine years ago I was pregnant with my first baby. That time flew in a blink. And this next stretch will too. I left the meeting and returned to my office with a heavy feeling in my chest and I couldn’t quite catch my breath.

Then that afternoon, I attended a meeting at a local facility that is designed for adults who have intellectual and developmental disabilities. We were there to talk about a new unit being moved to this location that would house clients with criminal backgrounds who are deemed unfit to stand trial due to their intellectual functioning and capability. There are concerns that the residents of this center will pose a threat to the school located near the property that has many medically complex students who also have intellectual and developmental disabilities. It was shared that a resident of the center was spotted escaping and heading toward the schools property with regularity. Repeatedly he’s headed toward the school and it has given parents cause for concern, rightfully so. Then an administrator seated to my right explained that this particular resident is drawn toward the school busses because he thinks that’s how he’ll get home.

Where will home be for my sweet boy, who will likely remain a boy his whole life?

Will he become a burden to his siblings?

Will their spouses not accept him living in their home?

Will someone else fight for him like I do?

Will someone make him feel loved in the ways he understands?

Will someone hold his hand and keep him safe?

Will he be misunderstood by law enforcement?

Will he run after a bus?

Hearing about this man and his longing to go home wrecked me.

Ike and I often talk about growing old together just the three of us. It’s sweet, idyllic and endearing to think of my husband looking into the future lovingly when many people would feel the enormity of the realization that they will never be empty nesters.

When people say, they’ll be grown and gone before you know it, we know these empty pearls of wisdom have no place in our family. Our job caring for our son will be done when we are.

Together we dream of owning a small farm to give Mark and others like him a safe, protected and loving space to work and feel the gratification of contributing to society. But in reality, as I mentioned earlier we don’t have funds lying around and we know nothing about farming. I tried to grow sweet potatoes this summer and what I dug up last week looks like something out of a Tim Burton movie. I work in higher education, and Ike in insurance. We are the least likely to make something like this a reality, but I keep the flames of this dream lit with the fire of knowing that my son will need a space to contribute in and be loved.

As I’ve said before, this world was not made for him, or others like him. We, as special needs parents, spend an enormous amount of mental and physical energy trying desperately to change it.

Ike and I stand at microphones looking at politicians with blank stares as we beg for more funding for schools, for better special education, for them to understand that we are desperate and determined to change the current landscape. We educate, raise awareness and share our experience with the hope that we can shape this world.

In all reality it feels like we are both pushing a large boulder up a hill with our backs as our heels dig into the dirt. But the beautiful thing about this is that we don’t feel sad about our circumstance, terrifying as it may be, we both have grown to accept our trajectory. It overwhelms me sometimes when I remember that I’m not immortal but it also fuels me to use my time on this earth wisely for Mighty and others, like the gentlemen trying to go home.